Epilogue - part 6
Tuesday, November 29, 2011 at 04:12AM How fascinating the idea of death can be.
Too bad though, because it just isn't true.~Hafiz
These days. These days it's been difficult to know how much more to write. I could blame it on lack of time and it would be the truth, but it isn't the whole story. I guess you could say I needed time to let things sit and to ask myself if I was done or not. But I didn't intend the silence to be nearly a year either. At some point I came to the conclusion that the story was beginning to bleed into my present life more than it was about the Camino any more, and that perhaps it was a good time and a good sign to let go. Still, I've missed my days of writing, my train wrecks of grammar, my laughing at loud at myself for that and various other things, not to mention watching the comments and stats fluctuate over the time of this project. For all those who wrote in I thank you very much.
And as for being back in the United States...well I haven't really enjoyed being back in the United States much. The very things that I knew I wouldn't like or wouldn't have any interest in any more, are in fact, those very things. It's not that I love Germany either, it's more that I finally got to live in one place for longer than 2 or 3 or 4 years and knew narrow winding streets, and could tell you which stores went in and out of business, and had time to develop a favorite place to run, or a favorite place to eat, and so on. There are more serious things I miss like excellent health care, vacation guaranteed to you by law, fabulous public transportation, and excellent cheese everyone can afford. So repatriation has been unpleasant for the most part, and I have the nagging feeling that that is not going to change. I don't feel any more at home here than I did there. There's no feeling of being "amongst my own folk" or "at home." "At home," what's that? I can't really tell you.
And my life is certainly much harder now. Here I am, a middle-aged woman, having graduated at the top of her class three times over, and I work in a warehouse where I either pick stuff off shelves to pack, or pack the stuff I picked. A 10 year old or younger could do it. There are a lot of wonderful people there, who also don't want to be there, but there we are and it's hard at the end of the day to not feel like you've just wasted another day of your life. Sobering, humiliating, time draining, brain numbing, and most definitely unrewarding. The income is poverty level with no opportunity for a wage increase and it's not a simple matter of working hard to get out of there or to work your way up. It's a big problem.
That's most of the bad news, but certainly not all of it.
As for the Camino, Marc keeps somewhat in touch, although less. He has pronounced that he is an "old man" now. He has some grand kids, is expecting some more, and continues living his life in his beloved Provence much as always before. He goes on the Camino nearly every year. In fact I think he has gone every year since we met. He has asked me to go on the Camino with him again, virtually every year, and I have said no every time. It's not that it wouldn't be entertaining or interesting, or meaningful, it's just that I have neither the money, nor the vacation time, and for me the conditions of going with Marc have changed. Don't get me wrong, if I had the money, it would be tempting, but if I ever go on the Camino again it will most likely be as it was the first time, alone. I still think about walking the north route, and a longer walk of 3,000 kilometers or more, which would be very difficult to do alone, but I do think about it. I don't dream about it, I don't pine for it, I just revisit the thought of it from time to time—especially when I see photos. It would beat the hell out of packing boxes any day, even if I know I wouldn't be able to sleep for 4 months due to the snoring alone.
As for the Pants, he doesn't keep in touch. Not a word. Nothing. Things played out nearly as I suspected and feared and said they would, but that hasn't made it hurt any less.
Xavier is still in Corsica, the last I heard swinging from his hammock from time to time in the brutal summer heat, and I although I can't be sure, I suspect paella is never too far away.
Renata wrote me a short note this year. I hope to reconnect again with her soon.
The others, although I tried to keep in touch from time to time, have faded out of contact.
So my dear readers, I think I have about one more entry left in this story...
Reader Comments (10)
It's nice to finally hear more from you, though I'm sorry to hear things haven't been as smooth on your return. I will keep you in my thoughts -- you are a really brave, smart, sensitive, articulate woman, and I really hope you will find fulfilling work despite this bad economy.
After 13 years in US, I'm contemplating a move back home and find myself asking lots of questions about where home is, what the right move is. I think you can see my email from the blogger interface? I would like to be in touch if you'd be open to that.
Warm wishes and buen camino!
Silvia
Thank you for your comment. Can't believe anyone is still reading! Thank you for what you said. Yes I can see your email interface and I'll consider staying in touch. I'm quite the introvert about such things, so please don't be offended if I don't contact you. In the meantime the blog will be up for a little while longer before I take it down and the comments will be open.
I hope your decision to return back home goes smoothly and well. I know I'll be moving again in the future, so on it goes....
Warm wishes to you as well. Thank you again for your comment and for reading. Buen camino in all things!
~Deborah
wow, you're in the U.S.!?! It sounds like you are going through quite a transition. Your story reminds me of a Churchill quote, “If you are going through hell, keep going.”
You'll make it back on the Camino!
Hugs, H
Yes, very reluctantly back in the U.S. It's been a hard year. But it's great to see you on the comments and I hope you are doing great. Have a very happy holiday season!
All my best, Deborah
One hell of a story from start to finish. But it's not over yet. I believe in you and in your ability to create your own positive outcome and new beginning.
I thank you for your candid and raw honesty, beautiful story telling and for the opportunity to get to know you. I wish you the very best this holiday season and in the year to come.
Bon courage.
Barbara
Thank you for your comment. As I've also said from beginning and now near end of this story, those who have written in with comments have been very kind and thoughtful and gracious. I've been quite fortunate throughout this experiment and experience of storytelling. Surprised again and again and again for such patience and kindness from my readers! Thank you very much for your well wishes, I will take them to heart. May you also have a blessed and joyous holiday season and new year. As always, buen Camino!
~Deb
I'll be sorry if you stop writing. My thoughts are much like those of Barbara and my hopes would be like those of Silvia. I imagine that your experiences closely resemble those of other people. They resemble my experience very closely from a connection like you and Marc to an attempt, not wholly successful, of rescheduling life. Your writing has been supportive and encouraging and I'll miss it very much if you go. It will be like the loss of a friendship before that friendship runs its course or before the time of that friendship is up.
So, like Silvia, I'd ask whether there is not a possibility of mintaining contact.
If fate ever brings you to the Yukon, Canada (perhaps on your way to a new exciting job in Alaska?) I would love to meet you. Even though you said you are an introvert, I hope you will contact me if you're ever in the area.
Take care and buen camino.
Thank you for your comment. And thank you for your warm and encouraging remarks! Yes, things are very tough at the moment. Thank you so much for the invitation to meet in Canada. I'll keep your email handy if I am ever up and over there.
Buen camino to you as well,
Deborah
Sorry for the long delay in answering your comment. The good news is, for the brief moment I am still writing. So, I'm still here.
Thank you for your faithful comments. I have appreciated them. Stay tuned, I probably have yet one more entry.
Best to you in everything,
Deborah